Something landed with an ominous thud on my doorstep upsetting my morning cuppa. It was the bestselling A- Z Amazing Accessories Guide…Who sent me this?
It isn’t my birthday. Is this a hint for me to get my accessories act together? I opened the hallowed book with trembling fingers…
A is for Appliqué Aprons from Martha Stewart, a must when showing off your culinary skills to your guests.
C listed the lowdown on Chanel, caviar and crystal when hobnobbing with the crème de la crème of society.
G had the scoop for the Gucci gals who can’t get enough of glamour and guys….
Did you know that polkas are in and stripes out? But polkas and stripes together could make haute couture? That blue is so passé, it’s red hot tamale time today. Brocade is in, sequins out. My head spins.
Suddenly my cozy, overstuffed, artistically mismatched home begins to look like a pathetically rundown Willy Wonka warehouse. Instead of a magical Persian rug, I see faded, threadbare wool. My avant-garde blue sofa looks tacky and so out of style. The carefully crafted feng shui garden looks like a kindergarten patch. And the less said about my psychedelic print wardrobe, the better…my blood runs cold as I remember last night’s party.
Did Botox Babe really mean it when she gushed over the lava lights? What about ‘in your face colors is such an original concept!’ Isn’t that supposed to be a compliment? And ‘you carry off blue sooo well dahling!’ was what Prada princess had purred loudly pointing her French manicured finger at my outfit. A shiver slithers down my spine. I will not take this challenge lying down. My reputation is at stake here! This is no ordinary read. This book holds the key to making or breaking my social standing!
Half a dozen Brazilian caffeine fixes later, I have devoured each and every nugget of information on every single accessory that exists on this planet. I head out armed to the hilt with the Guide, a song on my lips, hope in my heart and my platinum priority credit card, determined to accessorize my life to the T...
I can still hear the dreadful shriek that pierced the air that evening,
‘Arrghh! What happened to our home? Help! We’ve been robbed! Why is everything checkered?’ I simply took a deep breath and turned to face my fashion challenged family.
‘Nothing dahlings, it’s just time we got our lives accessorized’ and feed them a perfectly color coordinated cordon bleu dinner that blows their accessories angst away.
That is, until the next Amazing Accessories Guide royally decrees that melamine dinner plates are passé and that bone china are in, once again…
12th August Femina magazine issue Candied Confessions column