Here I was this Sunday morning blissfully sipping my chai, trying to recover from the excesses of yet another midnight party when, ‘What is it with you women?’ My normally mild mannered spouse suddenly snorted angrily from behind the newspaper, jolting me out of my stupor. ‘One day you run riot over your rights to red roses, sexy lingerie and chocolates. The next minute you’re suing the living daylights out of us claiming sexual harassment if we send you a naughty joke!’ What on earth is he raving on about? I thought to myself. By now he had gone quite red in the face. It was obvious that the chappie was getting hotter under his collar and was probably in the danger of exploding pretty soon with whatever was bothering him. And where was maid Laxmi bai when I needed her to butt in? I stole a peek at the headlines and froze. Oh no! There was my mug splattered across the page, with the headline shrieking ‘Women rule the roost! Men are just two hoots!’ it was the Women’s Day interview that I had so eagerly given a few days ago that had turned up to ruin my day. ‘This, this takes the cake’ he jabbed angrily at the paper, ‘Sonja says, we women can never have headaches, we have to perform, come what may…ha! That’s news!’ he guffawed. That did it!
I was done battling a household filled with maniacal maids, never-ending geriatric grouses, fancy food fetishes, crazed kids while trying to look like Victoria Beckham. I was more than outdone trying to be super woman, bionic girl and cat woman all rolled into the XX chromosome! All I ever wanted was a few hours to write that bestseller. Tears stung the back of my eyes; I stood up shakily, adjusted my crumpled pajamas as arrogantly as I could, flicked back my bed head and glared angrily at the love of my life. ‘You men are truly from Mars…all you think about is food, sex and yourself, in that precise order’ I hissed in my iciest voice, ‘there’s more to a relationship you Martians will never understand.!!’ when Laxmi Bai barged in and mercifully pulled me into the kitchen before the pair of us launched into a full blown battle of the sexes.
Two hours and many soothing cups of chai later, here’s my maid Laxmi bai’s tale that changed our world -
A father decides to share the secret to his long and happy marriage with his newly wed son. Son, remember to lay down the rules of the house right from day one. On our wedding night I took off my pants and asked your mom to wear them. I can’t fit into them she confessed. And you never will coz I wear the pants in this house I told your mom and look at us we’ve been happily married ever since. Impressed, the newly wed bloke takes off his pants on his wedding night, asks his wife to do get into them and rattles off the same dialogue.
The newly wed wife smiles, takes off her pants.
Get into them darling she murmurs seductively.
I can’t! The husband gasps.
She nods, that’s right and you never, ever will darling if you don’t change that attitude of yours….
Happy international Women’s Day to all you gorgeous men out there!!
Published in DNA Sunday Funny Bone (Women's Day) 8 March 2009