'Final exams begin on the….’ My heart begins pounding wildly as I scan the kids’ calendars. No! It can’t be? Is it already the end of the year? ‘Mom I need help with these sums’ a MATH paper comes flying at me. I stare stupidly at the pages and last night’s hangover comes back with a vengeance. What is all this gibberish? Who invented all this? Don’t people have anything else to do besides spend hours creating a bunch of problems for others? I smile weakly at the twins, ‘you know, it’s really very simple…all you have to do is…umm…well’ I’m desperately trying to figure a way to slime out of this embarrassing situation. Moms are supposed know everything right? Well not this mom! Heck, the only mental math I can do is when there’s sale on at Mango. That’s when my mathematical agility kicks in to snag a cool pair of shoes at half price on an over extended credit limit! Never mind that they still cost a bomb and that I really don’t need another pair or another handbag and some more perfume… ‘Mom! You’ve read it out ten times but how do we solve it?’ My twins glare at me reproachfully. A car is traveling at 180km/hr trying to overtake another; at what point will they be traveling at the same speed? They repeat the blooming question just in case I’ve spaced out, which I have. ‘It depends really…’ I mutter uncertainly. ‘On whether it’s headed to a mall or to work’ Hubby’s back from golf and stands there thoroughly enjoying my discomfort. The twins heave a huge, undisguised sigh of relief. ‘Daddy’s back! He’ll know how to solve it!’ This is so not fair! My heart breaks into million pieces and tears threaten to fall. It’s not my fault that the only numbers to catch my interest happen to be stamped on merchandise tags. It’s the blasted gene pool I come from that I’ve landed with the computing abilities of a kindergartener! It’s a do or die situation for me as I wrack my brains frantically to redeem myself. I’ve got to get my kids to think of me as the next Madame Curie, well at least till 6th grade, after that I’ll think of something else to dazzle them with, when I have a Eureka moment! ‘Let’s see if daddy can answer this one….’ I sneer maliciously, ‘when is the best time to grab a Tommy Hilfiger bag during the sale period? Do you pick it up at 25% discount or take a chance and wait it out for a week for it to get to 50%?’ Minutes tick by anxiously and the twins are on the edge now. ‘Come on daddy you know the answer to this one! Don’t you?’ The Hubby flashes a sweet smile in my direction and shrugs helplessly. ‘You know kids I think your mommy’s got me on this one. I really don’t know the answer’ he drawls. Something’s not right here! This is not what I expected. I was looking forward to a nice bloodbath where I would grandly launch into a mesmerizing analysis of how to shop smart during a sale. When his next words make my fevered brain pause its murderous thoughts. ‘It really doesn’t matter what speed the two cars are going at, they are bound to meet up somewhere, aren’t they dahling?’ And the look in his eyes sends my fever soaring even if it is annual examination time.
Sunday DNA Funny Bone 22nd March 2009